Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Top 5 Funniest Things I've Told Keira

5. "Sloth!" - If you kindly click the link, you will see a lion that looks like a movie star. When I first made this discovery, for weeks on end (and occasionally still) I would yell "Sloth!" whenever she would play with the lion toy. I also like to yell, "Go get sloth." To which she would frantically look around. She would never find the lion because she doesn't understand what I'm asking, but at least she tries... I realize this was a stretch so shut up!

4. "Go shave your gray beard." - Every morning, Keira likes to jump on you when she gets up. She does this to alert you she needs to use the bathroom and also because she wants to play. One morning, I wasn't having it so I wouldn't budge. She retaliated by jumping on the bed. I looked at her with one eye open and calmly stated, "Go shave your beard. You have a gray beard. Go shave your gray beard." She sat up puzzled. I then told her I wouldn't go anywhere until she learned how to use a razor to shave her gray beard. She never did.

3. "Your mother's a whore." - Her mother could very well be one, but the truth is nobody knows. I don't know what made me say this to her, maybe I was bored with saying the next two things, maybe I was just plain bored, or maybe I realized I was the wittiest person alive! Regardless how true option 3 is, those very words came out of my mouth. Eventually I said it so often that I sang her songs about it. The chorus went:
Your mother's a whore
Your mother's a whore
I saw her at the corner store...
The rest is history. Sometimes I tell her that she is the way she is because of her mother's mistakes. Other times I tell her I treat her the way I do because I love her and I don't want her to follow in her mother's footsteps. It's true... I don't.

2. "Go away, nobody likes you." - This is an oldie, but a goodie. The very first time I made this comment, Keira was jumping on me and kinda annoying me. I yelled this at her. She immediately stopped, looked at me, bowed her head, tucked her tail between her legs, and walked toward her kennel. I have never seen such sadness. My heart melted. To compound her sadness, I would call her over and pretend I was happy to see her, then I would yell the phrase and watch her sulk her way to the corner. I must have done that 7 or 8 times that night. Now I more calmly let her know that nobody likes her, but I follow it up by saying that I really do like her, and then respond with a "I'm just kidding, I really don't."

1. "Your rope is a slut." - Every dog has their favorite tug-o-war rope. I had to break the news to Keira that hers was also the favorite of all the other dogs. I would frequently tell her stories of how she would stand on the corner selling herself for $5 a tug. All the dogs in the neighborhood have had their turn! I told her the rope liked to frequent a McDonalds on Central and Yale:

View Larger MapI actually saw it there a couple times. I am now $15 poorer.

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