Monday, February 2, 2009

Is this hopeless?

I don't know if my body is cut out for dieting (or my brain for that matter). Some things I've noticed...

1. I lose and gain weight at such rapid rates.
2. I always want to pig out
3. I'm always hungry
4. I probably should eat more.
5. Social settings and superbowl parties can ruin anything.
6. A trip to LA could also be costly
7. Being full means nothing to me

The superbowl yesterday probably ruined me. I didn't even eat a lot. It was a pigout compared to recent times, but on the scale of pigouts it was like a normal meal. I actually think I've had meals that were consisting of the same items.

There was a moment during the game that I was looking at a bag of chips and a montage ran through my head of all the previous instances of me eating chips (awesomely enough to an 80's beat). At the conclusion I wondered how it was possible that at some point I was able to consume most of the huge family sized bags as my late night snack. I used to eat entire bags of Cape Cod Chips (the big ones) easily. I've come a long way.

My brain is pretty powerful though. After eating like 6 chips with a little dip on them I could feel myself getting full. I then ate 1 mozzarella stick and sat down for a little bit. Pizza arrived and everyone began to chow down. At that point I realized I was full (not satisfied though). I didn't think I could possibly eat anything else and yet I went and consumed 3 slices of pizza. I didn't think I would be able to breathe for the rest of the night.

I then immediately felt really fat. That is when I realized, that my weight losing mentality has made me believe that I am always fat. I am officially anorexic. Stef also pointed this out to me. Sadly enough, I physically see fat and stuff on my body (which does exist, but prolly not in the proportions I believe they area). I wonder what is going on in the brain here.

Regardless of what is going to happen with the anorexia, I am almost at my target weight. (Prolly like 1 or 2 more weeks.) When I reach that target I will stop losing weight and begin maintaining (or even gaining). But I will not gain bad weight (sometimes is ok I guess). I need to find some way to eat food and not gain weight. I think my body becomes to sedentary.

Oh yea, in time this blog will go back to the status quo of random stuff. Since I am obsessed with weight loss and muscle growth this will dominate in the meantime.


Anonymous said...

All that matters is that your happy if that means you have to weigh 215 pounds then fine just be happy with yourself and eat whatever you want. I used to constantly be on diets where i would lose 15 pounds in a short amount of time then i would gain it back in an even shorter time by doing this i was very unhappy because one month i'd weigh 165 then the next i'd weigh 185. I realized that constantly gaining and losing weight is probably worse for me than weighing a little more and staying that way. Once i realized this i was much more confident and much happier. I may not look quite as good at 205 and 5'11 but i am miles happier.

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with him. just dont worry about your weight, your not fat at all. Just stop worrying all the time about your weight AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE!

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