Monday, February 2, 2009

Is this hopeless?

I don't know if my body is cut out for dieting (or my brain for that matter). Some things I've noticed...

1. I lose and gain weight at such rapid rates.
2. I always want to pig out
3. I'm always hungry
4. I probably should eat more.
5. Social settings and superbowl parties can ruin anything.
6. A trip to LA could also be costly
7. Being full means nothing to me

The superbowl yesterday probably ruined me. I didn't even eat a lot. It was a pigout compared to recent times, but on the scale of pigouts it was like a normal meal. I actually think I've had meals that were consisting of the same items.

There was a moment during the game that I was looking at a bag of chips and a montage ran through my head of all the previous instances of me eating chips (awesomely enough to an 80's beat). At the conclusion I wondered how it was possible that at some point I was able to consume most of the huge family sized bags as my late night snack. I used to eat entire bags of Cape Cod Chips (the big ones) easily. I've come a long way.

My brain is pretty powerful though. After eating like 6 chips with a little dip on them I could feel myself getting full. I then ate 1 mozzarella stick and sat down for a little bit. Pizza arrived and everyone began to chow down. At that point I realized I was full (not satisfied though). I didn't think I could possibly eat anything else and yet I went and consumed 3 slices of pizza. I didn't think I would be able to breathe for the rest of the night.

I then immediately felt really fat. That is when I realized, that my weight losing mentality has made me believe that I am always fat. I am officially anorexic. Stef also pointed this out to me. Sadly enough, I physically see fat and stuff on my body (which does exist, but prolly not in the proportions I believe they area). I wonder what is going on in the brain here.

Regardless of what is going to happen with the anorexia, I am almost at my target weight. (Prolly like 1 or 2 more weeks.) When I reach that target I will stop losing weight and begin maintaining (or even gaining). But I will not gain bad weight (sometimes is ok I guess). I need to find some way to eat food and not gain weight. I think my body becomes to sedentary.

Oh yea, in time this blog will go back to the status quo of random stuff. Since I am obsessed with weight loss and muscle growth this will dominate in the meantime.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

All that matters is that your happy if that means you have to weigh 215 pounds then fine just be happy with yourself and eat whatever you want. I used to constantly be on diets where i would lose 15 pounds in a short amount of time then i would gain it back in an even shorter time by doing this i was very unhappy because one month i'd weigh 165 then the next i'd weigh 185. I realized that constantly gaining and losing weight is probably worse for me than weighing a little more and staying that way. Once i realized this i was much more confident and much happier. I may not look quite as good at 205 and 5'11 but i am miles happier.

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with him. just dont worry about your weight, your not fat at all. Just stop worrying all the time about your weight AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE!

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