Thursday, September 18, 2008

TOTG Round 2: The Rock (3) vs. Unicron (6)


How could a battle between a human-god and a planet-god (not a dead mormon, I don't know how reliable the source is, but its worth a read) take place on an island barely big enough for a prison? It can happen if the participants fight it out using action figures! Compared to Unicron, the Rock is tiny, but when comparing action figures the Rock is roughly 1/2 the size, much better odds.

There are some things that you should know about each combatant:

The Rock's action figure kicks as much ass as the actual person. He is fully pose-able (posable? spell check can't figure this one out) and capable of doing anything the real Rock can do. He comes equipped with championship belt and a steel chair (to smash over others' heads). If they really wanted to get this right they would have included movie star action and 10 phrases ("Know your role" and "Layeth the smack down" to name a few).

Unicron is also designed just like the real thing. He can transform from a planet to a robot (after much finagling). He is provided a plethora of weapons that include missile launchers in his legs and chest, laser eyes, mini transformer for kicking little asses, and glowing fist to crush all those who stand in his way. He also comes equipped with planet eating jaws in planet mode. Despite his massive size, Unicron is also fully posable even down to fingers that curl into fists. (This gives me an idea for my next post which will detail why I know so much about this toy.)

So how did this battle play out? Well the toy-Rock being smaller was able to climb all over Unicron-toy. He was moving so fast the gargantuan had no clue what was going on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the toy-Rock was able to grab Unicron-toy in the Rock Bottom and shined him up real nice with a People's Elbow, which have been illustrated here.

Unicron could smell the demise of his toy and certain victory for the Rock. In a final desperation, the Unicron action figure unleashed all his attacks. First were the missiles. Toy-Rock was able to dodge these, because after all they aren't rocket propelled and traveled a mere foot for the chest rocket. Unicron-toy tried to compensate for his leg missiles, but ended up overcompensating as they were launched 6 feet. Then he used his laser eyes, but found out that all that does is light his face up (after all it is just some red leds!). Next he tried his glowing fist of death, which also only lights his hand up.

Unicron upset with his toy's failures desperately transformed into a planet. After struggling for about 15 minutes and reading the instructions about 10 times (with some help from the man-Rock), he was finally able to convert to a planet. In one final attempt at victory, Unicron-toy tried to eat toy-Rock. This did not pan out as the teeth don't do anything, Unicron-toy has no stomach, and in fact has some kind of plastic wall behind his mouth. Toy-Rock then blasted him with his steel chair and celebrated by rubbing his championship belt in Unicron-toy's face.

Unicron-planet was so mad at his apparent defeat. Being the poor sport that one would come to expect from a large transforming planet, Unicron grabbed man-Rock and ate him! WTF! Oh well, I guess he wins because someone has to advance. After all I didn't write this whole story out for no reason.

Winner: Unicron!

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