Saturday, August 9, 2008

TOTG: The Rock (3) vs. Osiris (14)


This fight was quick and easy. That should have been known from even before this battle took place though. Let me give you a little background into each of the fighters so that you can see why:

The Rock was born from those tiger shark battling islanders. He came out the womb laying the smack down on unsuspecting doctors and nurses. All they wanted to do was clean him to give to his mother (who must have been the toughest and awesome person on the planet giving birth to this man). He came out saying "No one... and I mean no one, lays their hands on the Rock!"

Some years later he came up with his first catch phrase. While chilling with his friends in the mall (I use friends loosely cause no one is cool enough to hang with Dwayne Johnson as mortals have come to call him), this one guy was giving the crew a hard time. Rock strolled up to him and said, "Son, whats your name?" Before the person could answer Rock yelled, "It doesn't matter what your name is!!!" The kid ran home and cried to his mommy. He died 3 years later from ridicule in an unrelated incident.

Dwayne went to high school and then college where he made his mark. He played football for the Miami Hurricanes and was the sole reason they won the national championship. He played professional football in the CFL, but he was too awesome for their league and decided to become a pro wrestler.

In order to do this he had to tune his awesomeness down several hundred notches because no god could compete with men. He went on to win many championship titles, coined many catch phrases, and then left to spread his life lessons to the whole world by making movies.

The Scorpion King is the biography of his life. Walking Tall is the story of a mere mortal man tying to live like the Rock. Doom is the tale of any man who tries to go against the Rock. Be Cool tells us all how to live our lives in the presence of the man. Get Smart described what is was like for all who tried to go to school with the Rock. The Rundown is what happens to any man who tries to double cross the Rock. So as you can see, the Rock has some big shoes to fill.

Osiris on the other hand is a lowly Egyptian god. According to Wikipedia, Osiris is one of the oldest gods for whom records have been found; one of the oldest known attestations of his name is on the Palermo Stone of around 2500 BC. He was widely worshiped until the suppression of paganism by the early Catholic church under Theodosius I[1]. The information we have on the myths of Osiris is derived from allusions contained in the Pyramid Texts (ca. 2400 BC), later New Kingdom source documents such as the Shabaka Stone and the Contending of Horus and Seth, and much later, in narrative style from the writings of Greek authors including Plutarch[2] and Diodorus Siculus.[3]

Osiris was not only the redeemer and merciful judge of the dead in the afterlife, but also the underworld agency that granted all life, including sprouting vegetation and the fertile flooding of the Nile River. The Kings of Egypt were associated with Osiris in death — as Osiris rose from the dead they would, in union with him, inherit eternal life through a process of imitative magic. By the New Kingdom all people, not just pharaohs, were believed to be associated with Osiris at death if they incurred the costs of the assimilation rituals.[4]

Osiris was at times considered the oldest son of the Earth god, Geb,[5] and the sky goddess, Nut as well as being brother and husband of Isis, with Horus being considered his posthumously begotten son.[5]

Osiris was later associated with the name Khenti-Amentiu, which means 'Foremost of the Westerners' a reference to his kingship in the land of the dead. Of course, none of this matters when going against the previously mentioned "god." Plus, look at how gay he looks. He's in 2-D. What kind of god gets that treatment? Lame ones.

The battle began, in a stare off. The Rock started with his eyes closed and quietly said, "Forgive me for what I must do." He opened his eyes and then Osiris turned to dust. The rock then sneezed and all the dust blew away, the ground quaked, the heavens opened, rainforests fell, land became fertile, cows produced milk, and more. It was unbelievable. Then the Rock said, "Finally the Rock has come back... to the Tournament of the Gods. From this moment on, I will proceed to layeth the smacketh down on all unsuspecting jabronis as I march to the championship and become the Greatest God Ever. If ya smelllllllll what the Rock is cookin'!"

Winner: The Rock

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