Friday, August 1, 2008

TOTG: Jesus (2) vs. Bruce Almighty (15)


Battle Location:

This fight should have been quick and easy for Jesus. Jesus could have walloped Bruce because he is God while Bruce just has God's abilities and is slightly limited by his human brain. They decided to be a little creative and duke it out Pokemon style in Pokemon Stadium. Don't ask me why, but it was fun to watch.

Jesus hit Bruce with lightning taking out 35 hp (hit points) from Bruce. Bruce answered back with Brimstone for 15 hp. Jesus used Water into wine to regain 10 hp and gave a little wink back at Bruce. Bruce unleashed Parting the Red Sea and took out 100 hp from Jesus.

Jesus rolled up his sleeves and washed Bruce's feet. Bruce feel asleep. This would cause him to lose several turns as Jesus did all sorts of crap to him. First he drew on his face with a marker taking away humiliation points, then he did some vicious attacks for some serious damage. After hitting him with the Beattitudes Bruce awoke. He was definitely not doing so hot as he was just getting creamed.

Bruce needed some health back quickly. Being that he is God and man (like Jesus) he used his human side to inflict laughter on Jesus, and then he proclaimed "I know you are but what am I." For the next few turns everything Jesus tried was reflected and he was hit with his own attacks. During that span Bruce was able to regain some vital health using Mana in the Desert.

Now the battle was getting serious. Neither wanted to play anymore. Jesus was being classic Jesus, and Bruce was going all Old Testament. Bruce tried the Great Flood, which caused about 250hp loss from Jesus. Jesus fired back with The Sermon on the Mount. Bruce staggered. He then returned and hit JC with The Son of Man. This attack was pretty spectacular as Bruce raised a Jesus of his own to attack the original pimp. Jesus dispelled the impostor after some tussling. Jesus then used Lazarus and raised his own army of the dead (but fully returned to life). To counter this Bruce used the Angel of Death and killed them all.

Bruce then declared the battle over. He climbed the highest mountain (which so happened to be created by the Pokemon stadium) and unleashed 3 colossal attacks. First was the 10 Commandments, which wreaked some major havoc because as we all know His word is mighty. Next came the Tree of Knowledge which made Jesus realize his nakedness and reduced him to mere mortal (temporarily). Finally came the Crucifiction. Bruce decree that Jesus be crucified and would have to die. Jesus was dead!

We all thought this would be a major upset, but Jesus wasn't done. Everyone had left but I waited. I figured something had to be going down and boy was I right. On the 3rd day Jesus rose again! (This is why I didn't post this fight till today.) Jesus used Resurrection on Bruce, which is a multi-step attack. First came the Shroud. He radiated so brightly and intensely that a permanent image of himself was left on Bruce's body. It was perfect. Bruce was knocked back. Then came the Descension. He took Bruce into the underworld and opened the gates so that all who lie there could feast on his soul. Next came the Stone, and a giant round stone appeared and crushed Bruce beneath it. Finally came the good word. Jesus yelled so loudly that all knew he was alive and well. The shout incinerated Bruces bones to dust.

Bruce was hurtin. He was so stunned by the latest onslaught that he couldn't attack on his turn. Then Jesus Transconfigured. This wasn't so much an attack as it was Jesus changing a proving that he is God. Moses and Elijah also appeared. Bruce called all the prophets forward and began the Apocalypse. The attack did nothing. Why? Then it hit me. Jesus hasn't Ascended yet. You can't have an apocalypse without a second coming. Bruce then sent the prophets after Jesus. Jesus quickly dispelled them to the desert for 40 days of trials and tribulations.

Jesus had enough and finally called for the Ascension. The ground shook, storms appeared, mountains crumbled, and the heavens opened up. Jesus took off into the sky. Then the Holy Spirit appeared and burned all to oblivion. Bruce feinted ending the battle. Jesus reappeared, revived Bruce, shook his hand, and said, "I be Jesus. I'm the original OG. Don't mess with me." Then he recited every Psalm.

What a fight!

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