Wednesday, August 6, 2008

TOTG: Chuck Norris (8) vs. Neo (9)

Battle Location:

This fight was pure awesome. The man who knows Kung-Fu vs. the man who knows Chun Kuk Do ("Universal Way"). The man who controls the Matrix vs. the man behind those Chuck Norris Facts. Everyone now knows, though, don't mess with Chuck.

It started quickly with fists, feet, arms, legs, heads, and other body parts of fury. They were going at it. It was pretty much a stand-off. Chuck is a master of several martial arts and Neo knows all of them. The reason Neo didn't kick as much ass as I thought he would is because a lot of that stuff is pretty useless in a fight against another martial artist.

Then things started getting crazy. Neo started bending the world to his will. He tried to trick Chuck Norris with his powers, but he answered with a roundhouse kick. Chuck wasn't done there. Before Neo could regain composure from the roundhouse, Chuck separated his beard and a fist came flying out, nailing Neo right in the kisser.

He was down for a while. When he finally got up about 15 minutes later, Norris had already eaten 3 72oz steaks and won 10 games of scrabble (all by spelling out Chuck Norris on the first move). He also won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck then whipped out a couple of guns (once Neo got up) and tried to shoot the man to spare him from any more brutality. Neo was able to stop the bullets and then tried to jump into Chuck's body.

Upon entry, Chuck kicked Neo so hard he altered his DNA. Neo then whited out. He would have blacked out, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. This time when he awoke, Chuck was nowhere around. Neo declared himself the victor. "Is Chuck Norris napping? Where are you Chuck?"

Within seconds, Chuck jumped down from the heavens and stomped him into the ground with his boots-not-made-for-walking-because-they-ain't-that-merciful and said, "I don't nap...I wait." He looked down at his submitted opponent and said, "Chuck Norris doesn't play god, because playing is for Children." Then the audience rose to their feet and cheered wildly, perhaps mostly out of fear!

Winner: Chuck Norris

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