Saturday, August 2, 2008

Everything is real in Hawaii


Hawaiians (and for that matter all Polynesians) are real men. I was told this story where groups of men, (warning: extreme embellishment) in games of fun or as baby's first act (end embellishing), canoe over to this sea cave with a rock island in the center of it, lure tiger sharks (perhaps with fish attached to their real penii) into the cave, and then they all jump into the water and wrestle with the sharks. Let's allow that to sink in.

They. Attact. Tiger sharks. Into. A. Cave. To. Fight. Them. Are you fucking reading that? They are some crazy soms a bitches! How awesome is that!!!

I have to believe that all the men go through this, and that all current Hawaiians are descendants of these gods. I could also only believe that this is precisely what the ancient Hawaiians actually were. Tigers are known as the man-eater of sharks, and for these guys to combat these monsters of the sea and survive means they are gods. Perhaps David Blane is a descendant of them.

This automatically makes all things that we have achieved as a species obsolete and mankind should no longer make any progress till we find a way to equal their badassness. Their true manlyness also makes everything Hawaiian real, because they are real men. The islands are real islands. Pineapples are real fruit. Sugar only from there is real sugar. Fat and brown are real adjectives. Spam is real by affiliation. Movies made there are real movies. The Rock (actor) is now PROVEN (I always new he was cool, but now this) to be a real man (he's a descendant of Samoans).

And all words with apostrophes are real words (most of their words have apostrophes in them for pronunciation). I think that I'm (real word) gonna throw apostro's into all words of mine just to make statements valid. This whole post is now a waste. Maybe if I put the apostrophe before and after the post that would make it real.

My theory is that they use apostrophes now to help with the pronunciation of words. There was no written language way back, and if they said words they way they do now, then when the first peoples (probably missionaries) taught them to write they would have needed a way to distinguish between the changing of vowels in sequence. For instance, a word like reef and re'ef would be pronounced differently (re'ef is not a word to my knowledge) because of the apostrophe.

Those Hawaiians are fucking awesome and I want my children to grow up to be like them. My puberty trials will be fighting tiger sharks, or maybe something more ferocious like dragons. Their rituals also showed their manliness as they did dances displaying power and might. Dances (for the men) involved slaps, pounds, stomps, and in some cultures menacing facial expressions. They did this stuff hard too, as you could feel the pounds (I know this from watching the luaus), real forceful stuff.

Gods amongst men.


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