Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Hot Dog and the Seagull

I decided to write up this tale after telling this story to Larry earlier. It came about because we were riding in Patrick's (the resident REU student of the lab) and I complained about how I miss the beach. That reminded me how every time I have spoken to my dad he is calling me from Jones Beach. Pat then asked if that was even a good beach, then Larry and I raved about the awesome-ness of Jones Beach.

Why is it awesome? Well there are like 9 Fields where you can park and walk to each field and they each have their own appeal. Field 4 and 5 are the popular ones because they have food and basketball courts and golf courses right off the boardwalk. Field 1 is a fine choice if you crave less crowds because there is like a mile walk through sand to get to the shore. And of course the ocean is always awesome.

But this is not the purpose of this trip down memory lane. Anyways talking about Jones Beach reminded both Larry and I stories that have occurred at the famous beach, we told our tales, and now I'm telling you mine:

It begins on a warm summer day at Jones Beach. Lorraine (my stepmom), Jason, and I wanted hot dogs so we walked up to the boardwalk for the traditional NY dirty walk dog.

There is something everyone needs to understand. When me and my brother have been around each other for long periods of time we tend to do get on each other's nerves and it (most of the time) begins with me. I, for some reason, enjoy being a jerk to him because I think it is funny.

We get our hot dogs and me, feeling like being a jerk, taps his hand trying to make him drop his meal. I must remind you that he got all the condiments on his dog. We're talking mustard, ketchup, relish, etc. He bobbles it slightly, but doesn't lose control.

I am not happy with the result. I decided to bump his hand again. This time I have much more delightful results. He bobbles his hot dog and cannot regain control. The beef stick tumbles down his shirt, streaks colors of red, green, and blue, and Jay manages to catch his food just before it hits the ground.

He is pissed. In his mind his meal is ruined and he can't even eat his hot dog and he must get revenge. On me! I am laughing hysterically because my evil plot has come to fruition and I have ruined Jay's day. Next comes a classic Jason retaliation.

He throws his still fine-to-eat-just-needs-a-little-mustard-but-not-figurative-mustard hot dog at me! (I say figurative because of the throwing pun.) His face is steaming red and he chucks his dog right at me. I manage to mostly dodge it, but get a little mustard on my arm. His reaction was so funny I laughed even harder which in turn made him madder and he stormed off.

Why is this classic? In all the years I've known my brother his retaliations either use terrorist tactics where he destroys my stuff instead of me, or he does something that hurts him and not me at all (example being the case just stated).

He storms off and heads back to the beach. I am with Lorraine on the boardwalk and I am laughing so hard. I take a bite out of my hot dog and start to head back to the beach. Then I notice something. A seagull has taken sight of Jason's tattered meal and has marked it as his own. Lorraine and I stop to watch the massacre.

The gull picks the hot dog up and, since it has no teeth, gulps it down. The motion that this bird makes is hilarious and rather impressive that it swallows the thing whole. It had to lift its beak toward the sky and make several extension motions to get it down. Now we were both laughing. We talked about what just transpired the entire way back.

When we got back to the blanket Jason looks at me and says, "Where is my hot dog?" What? Why does he think we have a hot dog for him? I ask him these very questions and he tells me that because we were at the boardwalk for so long, and because I felt bad for what I did, I decided to get him a new hot dog. I laughed even harder at this line of thinking. While valid, I just could not let him believe I was that good a brother. I then told him the entire story of what happened, to which he replied, "You're a jerk!"

He lost his food and assumed I was good enough to realize my wrongdoings and get him more out of the goodness of my heart. Instead I watched a creature of the earth eat his food and enjoy the carnage that I had just caused. I'm amazing.

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