Friday, June 6, 2008

The real name of my girlfriend

So I was just in a phone conversation with her and I squeezed it out of her what her real name was. She told me this story as told from her perspective:

"When I was a baby there was a mix-up at the hospital. My real name was supposed to be Aloysius Snuffleupagus. At the same moment a baby was born with the name Stefanie Gallegos. That baby resembled a Woolly Mammoth without tusks and no visible ears. Somehow both our charts (with all the baby information on them) landed on the floor, and the nursing staff had to make a decision that would affect both our lives forever.

They gave Aloysius Snuffleupagus to the mammoth, and gave me Stefanie Gallegos. That was a mistake that would plague me... to this day. My family tried to sue the hospital staff, but judges decree that I look more like a Stefanie than a Snuffleupagus and that I should embrace the name and go with it.

I grew up confused and with low self esteem. Children would point and laugh at my foolish name. They would call me Steffleupagus and push me in the mud and tease me about how they all had their original names and how much of a weirdo I am. I would cry myself to sleep nightly because I would never be normal.

When I was 6 I tried out for this children's television cartoon. It came down to me and the mammoth from the hospital. The writers and director decided to go with the Mammoth because they were looking for someone with a name that is like Snuffleupagus and he had the perfect fit. If I had been able to keep my name I could have been that gigantic bird's best friend.

He went on to be the most beloved muppet in the history of muppets and I grew up to be this lowly physicist who looks at the stars hoping to find the one thing I've always needed... my name!"

So there it is... I could be dating Aloysius Snuffleupagus, but instead I got Stefanie Gallegos. A girl who can't even spell Stephanie correctly. I should go look up that mammoth and see if he's seeing anyone.

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