Saturday, May 3, 2008

Marshmallow Mateys

So I'm sitting here eating my bowl of cereal for breakfast. I am eating this Lucky Charms alternative called Marshmallow Mateys and I notice in my bowl are these indiscernible shapes for marshmallows. (Side note: before breakfast I decided to eat 3 mini Reese's Peanut butter cups and a York Peppermint Patty. This is why I'm not doing so hot in my diet, more to come in a bit.)

When one reads the title for the cereal, what would you assume? This cereal has some kind of pirate theme or ship theme. Right? (If you don't assume that then you truly are making an ass out of you and me! Yuck, yuck. I kill me, but I digress.) That's what I did. You can see they tried, because there are these anchor looking oats in there. By oats I refer to the non-mallow part of the cereal as in Lucky Charms.

Well who makes this stuff? This is the next question that logically comes up. The company is Malt-O-Meal and they make this and various other cereal alternatives. Upon clicking that link, one notices the very real website they have. The owners of this company clearly take their company seriously and don't treat it like the joke that they should. Not that they are a joke, but if I operated something like they do my website would be more like my product. A website alternative. Imagine the fun.

Now if you readers have the mindset I do, the next step is to say, "Anthony, why did you purchase this product?" Well my faithful subscribers, I am an advocater of cereal and eat it for breakfast on most days. It is really good. On the particular day of my purchase I had noticed I was out of the goods and I needed a fix. I looked up and down the cereal isle for various sales as they normally have at your local supermarket. I normally go for the real deal cereals, but there were no sales that tickled my fancy and I didn't want to splurge for my favorite cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats). I somehow came to a sale that was 4 for $4!

What could this cereal be? I slowly moved my eyes from the price tag to to box and I came upon these Malt-O-Meal items. At first I scoffed. Then I snickered. Then I laughed. Then I cried. I ran through at least 30-40 different reactions before I finally looked down from the brand name. My eyes lay on some Captain Crunch rip-off which knew it was a rip-off. On the cover made the famous claim, "Betcha can't tell the difference!" I was destined to prove that wrong. The boxes were small so there was almost no risk and the price was low. I picked up the Cap'n Crunch and those aforementioned Marshmallow Mateys (which I want to call Matey O's for some reason).

Continuing on this question per paragraph minus the starting one, what was the verdict? Well at first taste you really couldn't tell the difference. After sitting in milk for a little while though (as the last bits of any cereal would) the same taste was fleeting and instead replaced with some other taste. The taste of no! Anyways the Colossal Berry Crunch Spectacular of Scrumptousness wasn't bad and the box was empty after 2.5 bowls. The .5 is because there really only was half a bowl and I had to mix it with my unopened Matey O's.

So in closing, what was the purpose of this post? Well there really was none except that I wanted to write about my cereal this morning and how I had no clue what marshmallows were in my cereal. There are anchor oats, and then some amorphous blobs that have no relationship to boats or pirates or whatever the theme of this cereal is.

Why are they randomly colored? Why do they have no discernible shapes? If the makers say they do have a shape, then why is the shape not clear? Lucky Charms has clear shapes, why can't you? Will that raise the price to Lucky Charms levels? Will a sales rep from their website see this blog and comment? Should I just ask the company directly and post the reply here? Can I possibly ask any more questions? What did Sammy do in school today besides friends? How am I doing in my weight goal thing? Will I ever post a new video? Is my name even really Anthony? Ok I'll stop now, but my name is really Anthony, so you at least have one answer.

3 comments:

TestingTFV said...

You do have a connection with Sammy through the ether or something. (Did I mention that he came home from school with his ears pierced the other day?)

I know this isn't believable, because it took me four days to post it, but this is what happened: (BTW:, how come nobody has commented on my diatribe about Obama? The media hasn't even reported on it. Nobody has even looked at my blog. What the hell, do I need to put in the link? It's: http://testingtfv.blogspot.com and it is quite informative, not to toot my own horn too much, but it is a must-read.)

So, I was reading your blog on my phone, sitting in the car at Smith's with Gray-C while she slept and Sam-E and his mom-E were shopping. I don't remember all my thoughts, except I think I was overly concerned about why Malt-O-Meal makes fake Lucky Charms when I already knew there was another fake brand out there.

So, then they get back in the car, I drive us home, and when we get home, Sam declares that he NEEDS cereal. So KT gets out the new box of ... you guessed it: Marshmallow Treasures. I don't have the energy to write about all the fascinating things about how obsessed he is with Marshmallow Treasures now. This shouldn't surprise you, because of the connection between you and him. He calls the marshmallows "colors" and demands "lots of them." Naturally, as parents, we demand that he finish the oats of serving N before giving him more colors in serving N+1. We do this despite lack of any evidence that frosted oat things are any more nutritious than pure marshmallow objects. It's just knee-jerk to limit consumption of delicious items w/o interspersed consumption of less delicious items. (I await your comment, annoying anonymous nutrition preacher guy.)

But the coincidence was uncanny. So, I had to set about studying Marshmallow Treasures and comparing with my memory of your blog on the malt-o-meal variety. I studied the entire surface area of the box and couldn't find any "made by malt-o-meal" labels. I studied the shapes of the oats (seem to be anchors) and the shapes of the marshmallows (seem to be definitely shapes, but quite unclear what they are. elephant seals? grubs? tips of squid tentacles?). I was baffled because these fake Lucky Charms appeared to be the same as your fake Lucky Charms in all except name. I pondered and studied this all the while eating handfuls of dry cereal out of the box and refilling Sammy's bowl as necessary. All at 3 in the afternoon. We went through like half the box. I finally decided that enough was enough and put them away and decided that the same fake lucky charm company must make them for Kroger and Malt-o-Meal. I guess Malt-o-Meal is the obvious choice. But why are both of them sea-going themes (pirates and under-sea treasure)? I thought when we were growing up this was land-based treasure?

I mentioned all this to KT and all I remember from my conversation with her is she said, "oh yeah, the ones that come in a bag not a box?" She is really the expert on this cereal. I think she would agree that generic lucky charms are pretty much as good as the real ones. This is true for almost all generic things, especially drugs. The only two things so far that have really sucked in generic versions that I have had are: Doritos and Gillette razor blades. I will never try either of those again. The razor blades actually sliced my face. In retrospect, it's obvious that you shouldn't use generic razor blades on your face. But it's also obvious that you shouldn't use generic drugs, but that works out very well. Along the same lines, you shouldn't order a pill over the phone that is advertised on TV that will make your penis grow larger. This is another piece of obvious advice that I am giving you. Think about it: how does the pill know where to grow the penis and do you really want a penis growing somewhere else on your body?

Antman said...

With that comment you have doubled the length of my post! I think the pill is worth it on the 5% chance that it will grow your new penis on top of your existing one, or next to it. Who doesn't want 2 penii?

TestingTFV said...

You do have a connection with Sammy through the ether or something. (Did I mention that he came home from school with his ears pierced the other day?)

I know this isn't believable, because it took me four days to post it, but this is what happened: (BTW:, how come nobody has commented on my diatribe about Obama? The media hasn't even reported on it. Nobody has even looked at my blog. What the hell, do I need to put in the link? It's: http://testingtfv.blogspot.com and it is quite informative, not to toot my own horn too much, but it is a must-read.)

So, I was reading your blog on my phone, sitting in the car at Smith's with Gray-C while she slept and Sam-E and his mom-E were shopping. I don't remember all my thoughts, except I think I was overly concerned about why Malt-O-Meal makes fake Lucky Charms when I already knew there was another fake brand out there.

So, then they get back in the car, I drive us home, and when we get home, Sam declares that he NEEDS cereal. So KT gets out the new box of ... you guessed it: Marshmallow Treasures. I don't have the energy to write about all the fascinating things about how obsessed he is with Marshmallow Treasures now. This shouldn't surprise you, because of the connection between you and him. He calls the marshmallows "colors" and demands "lots of them." Naturally, as parents, we demand that he finish the oats of serving N before giving him more colors in serving N+1. We do this despite lack of any evidence that frosted oat things are any more nutritious than pure marshmallow objects. It's just knee-jerk to limit consumption of delicious items w/o interspersed consumption of less delicious items. (I await your comment, annoying anonymous nutrition preacher guy.)

But the coincidence was uncanny. So, I had to set about studying Marshmallow Treasures and comparing with my memory of your blog on the malt-o-meal variety. I studied the entire surface area of the box and couldn't find any "made by malt-o-meal" labels. I studied the shapes of the oats (seem to be anchors) and the shapes of the marshmallows (seem to be definitely shapes, but quite unclear what they are. elephant seals? grubs? tips of squid tentacles?). I was baffled because these fake Lucky Charms appeared to be the same as your fake Lucky Charms in all except name. I pondered and studied this all the while eating handfuls of dry cereal out of the box and refilling Sammy's bowl as necessary. All at 3 in the afternoon. We went through like half the box. I finally decided that enough was enough and put them away and decided that the same fake lucky charm company must make them for Kroger and Malt-o-Meal. I guess Malt-o-Meal is the obvious choice. But why are both of them sea-going themes (pirates and under-sea treasure)? I thought when we were growing up this was land-based treasure?

I mentioned all this to KT and all I remember from my conversation with her is she said, "oh yeah, the ones that come in a bag not a box?" She is really the expert on this cereal. I think she would agree that generic lucky charms are pretty much as good as the real ones. This is true for almost all generic things, especially drugs. The only two things so far that have really sucked in generic versions that I have had are: Doritos and Gillette razor blades. I will never try either of those again. The razor blades actually sliced my face. In retrospect, it's obvious that you shouldn't use generic razor blades on your face. But it's also obvious that you shouldn't use generic drugs, but that works out very well. Along the same lines, you shouldn't order a pill over the phone that is advertised on TV that will make your penis grow larger. This is another piece of obvious advice that I am giving you. Think about it: how does the pill know where to grow the penis and do you really want a penis growing somewhere else on your body?

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