Sunday, October 28, 2007

Honoring 50 years

My dad's birthday is coming up (Nov 23) and I thought that I would randomly tell stories that I randomly remember in anticipation of the hallowed day. First up the Kidney Stone.

I'm watching Home Improvement and it's the episode where Tim injures his shoulder and needs surgery. This reminds me of the story my dad told me from when he had kidney stones. Keep in mind, that I vaguely remember this story and will butcher/make up most of it, but I will let you know (with *) when I remember something factual. OK, here goes...(Insert harp music and wavy air to cue memory sequence.)

It all began suddenly on some night (maybe it was a weeknight but thats not important). It was dark and stormy and trouble was a-brewing. My father was sleeping a awoke suddenly to a sharp pain in his abdomen. It was a massive pain, that is indescribable to me because I have never experienced it. All I know is that it hurt and it hurt bad. Anyways my dad wakes up and asks Lorraine to take him to the hospital. She wakes up screaming because that is what women do in pressure situations. Like the time a bat flew into the house. She was screaming behind closed doors even though she was safe from rabies.

Back to the story. They get in the car after struggling to get down the stairs. The elevator was out and dad could not walk down at all. He called me and asked me what to do. I said tie a bunch of sheets together and make a parachute. (He lived on the 5th floor of an apartment building at the time.) This plan worked perfectly as he jumped off the balcony opened the sheet-chute and glided down to the car, right in through the sunroof.

At this time there was no such thing as GPS, so they had to find the hospital the old fashioned way...yelling "Hospital, where are you?" out the window following the sound of its voice. I know thats not accurate, but that's what it might as well be with a panicky woman at the wheel. Just kidding women are great driv...I can't even say it, let's just get on with it. So they are going bonkers all through the streets and finally get to the hospital.

Amazingly the people come out immediately without advanced warning and they all know what is going on. From what I know about kidney stones, they make you pee them out after they give you an untrasound. So I'm guessing they drugged up my dad and then did the ultrasound. This is the part that I remember, well mostly. He got dressed in his gown and they put him in a wheelchair. They were wheeling him somewhere, and he was all drugged up on morphine. At some point they just leave him in the hallway all by himself. He is half conscious because of the morphine and has almost no motor control. So he is sitting there in this chair, with his butt all exposed, and he is trying to look around to see where everyone is. The lack of motor controls causes his head to just fall forward and then backwards. The mental image I have from this is priceless as I picture my dad's head flopping around just trying to figure out what is going on. I also imagine his tongue hanging out too to complete the picture.

That's all I got today. Next time I'll try not to make up the entire thing. I think only like the last 2 sentences of that last paragraph was even close to true. Of course, I wasn't there so it could have and should have happened. Maybe dad will post a comment on the actual story when he reads this.

1 comment:

Dad said...

Your version is very funny. i will start working on the book version and prepare to post it...

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